Indian Media and Crystal Balls

So ever wondered how the TV news channels get their news. You’d say through correspondents and wire services… Hell no! I am about to tell you  how it has become easy to start a news channel and get the news.

The tech involved is simple and ingenuous. It’s a crystal ball that is the size of a football kept on the glum editor’s desk. It has been developed by on-weed venture in collaboration with stoned electronics.

It features a full HD screen to pick up even the smallest things that could matter, ‘you just can’t hide’. It runs exclusively on (spicy) sauce code.. sorry SOURCE code where every piquant gossip of obscure low-level government or political functionary is converted to news verbatim. It features a powerful dragon (CHINA) made processor that is never really used because you really need not analyze or collate the SOURCE code with any real data.

However, the coolest feature is its ability to churn out beautiful Oxford English opinion page essays that can simply be built upon by feeding in certain of your favorite words. Well the words these days could include misogyny, fascist, freedom of expression, minority fear and so on. The opinion piece of course can then just be credited to any left-wing sympathizer of your liking.image3

But I believe the best feature that took the cake for me was that it even connects to and can steal signals right out of military grade satellites. How else would it give you the number of dead ultras across the border, bodies that even the ultras themselves haven’t counted as yet (remember Myanmar ops).

Thus you see Make in India may not have really turned our nation into a grey, smoke belching industrial heartland akin to, say, the Rhine valley but it sure has given our jugadu news channels an impetus to manufacture news right here in India. It can easily rank as the cheapest destination to do so. Not to mention that you can also meanwhile earn a bit on the side by fixing cabinet berths and blackmailing corporate houses.

Disclaimer: Of course this tech doesn’t exist. But the kind of biased, crass and baseless reporting that masquerades as journalism on our self-righteous media channels this could very well be the future.

About Satyam Kapoor 20 Articles

Satyam Kapoor is an alumnus of Kasturba Medical College, Mangalore, Batch 2003. He is a pediatrician who has completed his Post-graduation from DMC and Hospital, Ludhiana. Happy go lucky, avid reader and a mommys’ favorite Pediatrician is how he would like to describe himself.