Humans have the knack for making really stupid decisions at times. Even though we might know the disastrous consequences of our decisions, we still go ahead and take them, hoping that the sheer strength of our optimism will change the results and something good will come out of it. But we only end up disappointed, holding the pieces of our shattered hearts, trying to put them back together again. And eventually, our hearts do heal. But we end up making the same mistakes again, And again. It is interesting how we never learn from them. Even if we do learn, we disregard our lessons in favour of that unfailing optimism which is our downfall. I am no different. I do the same things over and over again, and expect the results to be different every time. (Ironically, I am a student of statistics, and I should know that if an experiment gives the same result every time, it is highly probable that it would be the same in future). I never study for a test properly but desperately hope to get good grades, I put the milk to heat on the stove and forget every day, I fall in love with all the wrong guys every single time and hope that this time my heart won’t get broken; the list is endless. It is really surprising how I manage to repeat them with such accuracy. I think maybe something is wrong with me. So I ask myself these questions, what is the final outcome? Will I ever get out of this endless loop of lather- rinse-repeat for my mistakes? Will I realise that enough is enough, and not make the same mistake again?
But I don’t think it’s going to be today. Today, I will do those things again which I know are wrong, things which everyone advises me against. I will take decisions which I know will hurt me in the end. I will start a relationship which is doomed from the start.
Why? Because this is who I am. I am the eternal optimist, the hoper of far flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams (this is a quote from one of my favourite shows and seems to fit so well here). I do not make a mistake once, but at least four or five times till I cannot take it anymore (Well what can I say, I AM a statistician, and you need to repeat an experiment enough times to get reliable results). I take bad decisions which hurt; I follow my instinct even though I know it’s not leading me in the right direction. I get lost. And I find my way again. I fall in love and get hurt and have my heart shattered in a million pieces. But I heal and fall in love again. I am compassionate even when I don’t get the same treatment. I trust people again, even when I am betrayed, because this is who I am. I am stupid and crazy and impulsive, and that’s what makes me human. I fall in love and have my heart broken again and again because I can feel, like every other human being (Anybody who tells you he/she cannot feel or cannot fall in love or has never had their heart broken is a liar and needs to shut up). Granted, making the same mistakes is just plain stupid, and I need to learn from my mistakes. But sometimes, I do not want to learn. I want to let down my guard and not be suspicious and paranoid all the time (Believe me, I have tried being suspicious and paranoid so as not to get hurt, and it sucks). Sometimes, I just want to be human, with all the flaws and imperfections that humanity offers. I cannot be the person who is afraid to do something because he/she might make a mistake. I cannot be the person who is tired of being betrayed and is always on the edge. I cannot hide my feelings in an effort to be less flawed and more perfect. It is because I am not perfect. I am very, very imperfect and riddled with a million flaws and have that impulse of going ahead and making mistakes all the time.
I am an optimist and this is who I always will be. I will always look for that silver lining in the clouds and always hope desperately for good things to happen even when everything is obviously going terrible. I will take decisions which I know will not have good consequences. But I will take them anyway because there is something courageous (and reckless) in going ahead and doing the thing everybody is afraid of. I will get my heart broken because the pain proves to me I can still feel as much as anybody else. I will not study for a test properly, again, because I am lazy. I will be stupid and crazy and impulsive too. I will be the girl who is slow to learn. I will trust, and that will make me vulnerable. But I believe my vulnerability makes me stronger, because I have nothing to hide and nothing to lose. So today I will make another mistake. And I will leave the learning to another day, because this is who I am. And I don’t think I am going to change anytime soon.
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