Mondays are ugly beasts, and, I hate to break it to you, but you’ve been giving them the twinkies.
You spend all of your money on Friday just to get a headache and try to woo Saturday with your mettle by watching all 6 Star Wars. Unfortunately, the weekends are out of your league. To make matters worse, Sunday is such a close friend of Monday that you have to make yourself go to church all day, so you have the faintest glimmer of hope when you wake up with Monday’s granny panties draped over your TV.
It’s makeover time. The Queer Eye guys didn’t respond to my e-mail about how to make Monday more metrosexual, so this is going to be a do-it-yourself job. It’s time to take charge of your weekends, so your Mondays start cutting their toenails.
In the first place, who horse-whipped Monday back when it was young? Long ago I doubt there was even a concept of “weekend.” When there was work to be done, it was done, and when there was no work…well, now that I mention it I don’t know if that ever happened. Our society has just created a relatively arbitrary calendar, allocated two days of rest, and because we are whiny pleasure/pain principle creatures we hate whatever impetus results in us having to resume doing anything. To change this mindset, we have to take a look at your habits and listen to some motivational speakers in UK.
What do you do every weekend?
Do you carefully stack the beer bottles and Easy Mac just a little bit higher, so you don’t have to take the trash out? Have you ever spent an entire afternoon begging your friend to let you videotape him trying to eat a spoonful of cinnamon? It’s OK. Yes, you are acting like a lazy teenage bum, but we are going to fix this.
We’re going to start small. Right now, for just this weekend, cancel all of your plans. You are not becoming a monk, but to make this work you need a strong start. Eventually, you can resume a few of your regular habits in moderation.
I am going to do this step-by-step. Don’t skip anything.
- Start thinking about this over the weekend. Do whatever you usually do so you can compare the start of this week to the beginning of the next to see how much better you feel.
- Since you’ve canceled your typical plans, make new ones. The first thing you need to do is think of all of your obligations for this week and the next. Whether it is for school, work, or whatever, your goal is to get a head start on your week. Make a precise list and set it aside.
- Think about what time you usually get to sleep and get regulated. One of the primary reasons people hate Mondays is they have screwed up their sleep schedules entirely during the weekend. Pledge to yourself that you will be in bed early enough to get enough rest. I recommend no less than 7 hours, but people are different. I will leave how long you sleep up to you. During your “Omg, Monday still has cellulite” week, this is your primary goal.
- (Optional, but recommended.) Make your life a living, unmotivated hell this week by quitting caffeine entirely. Believe me, it used to be my drug of choice, but it really hinders your ability to get quality sleep. If you are serious about Monday’s botox appointment, ditch the caffeine. Even if it requires you just using a little bit less each day for the entire week, give it your best shot.
- Tie up all loose ends before Friday night. Put nothing off. Take a look at your list. If you have something that needs to get done in the “this week” column, finish it by Friday night. You are reconditioning yourself to think of Friday night as the start of a new week. By doing this, you will be ahead of the game every Monday.
By now, you should be getting enough sleep. (If you are still running on 2-3 hours of sleep, you need to start over. If Oprah can’t keep her weight stable with all of her cash, you shouldn’t feel bad for falling back into your evil ways on your first try.) When you get home Friday night, take a look at your surroundings and grab your list. If you have missed anything in the “next week” column, add it now. This includes household chores, reading assignments you forgot, etc.
You have an entire weekend to get this stuff done, but it is wise to get as much done as you can now. Take out the trash, wash your dishes, and get any tidying out of the way. When you finish this, go goof off a bit doing something you enjoy for an hour or so. Once you get bored of adding new Facebook applications, grab your list again. Finish the biggest and ugliest task on it right now. (You know, the one you are usually doing late Sunday night that keeps you from going to bed.) Depending on how long this takes, you should have a few more hours until bed. I recommend you do nothing else this evening because these hours will eventually be yours again.
On Saturday, think of yourself as a werewolf. Since you are only going to be a human until the moon comes out, you have to finish everything you can before dark. After getting up around the same time, you would during the week, get started. Your list should look paltry compared to a few days ago. Following the same pattern of work and reward, systematically complete each item on your list. If you are diligent, you should be finished by the afternoon. If you absolutely want to do nothing else, then don’t. (If you attend religious services on a Saturday, then you will most likely be accustomed to not going out Saturday night, so consider yourself a vampire, and do this same routine at night instead.) On Sunday, you should have almost nothing left. If you do, get cracking as soon as you wake up. When finally finished, the rest of the day is yours. Get some shut-eye, and prepare to enjoy your Monday morning.
You wake up feeling refreshed, and suddenly those protective underpants have changed into something from Victoria’s Secret. Goodness, is that foot smell gone? Do I detect a hint of raspberry? No, you aren’t dreaming. This is what it feels like to wake up next to a smokin’ hot Monday. (I’m proud of myself for not using a She’s All That analogy in this entire article, by the way.) But wait…you are still probably a little miffed, and understandably so. Didn’t this day just steal your entire weekend? Well, yes, but here is why it is worth it.
You now understand some essential facts: you need sleep and work has to get done at some point no matter how long you wait. By remembering these, you can still enjoy your weekends. Instead of staying so late at somebody’s house that you end up sleeping on the floor, say goodbye to everybody around midnight and go home. Instead of loading yourself down with work on Sunday nights, space it out as I demonstrated.
If at some point you start to regress, just think back to how great you felt when you were responsible and well-rested. You’ll be missing Monday’s cuddles in no time. For more motivational tips listen to Ranulph Fiennes speaker in the United Kingdom!